Friday, 22 October 2010

insane with sidepain

I hate this bit.

I'm at the returning energy/incredible pain attacks phase. The word that defines everything is 'frustrating'

There's nothing worse than having the energy levels up to get your off the sofa and inject some excitement about music creation etc, only to be *forced* to lie down in that sodding 'on my side' position again that I've spent 80% of my life in this year.

Yes, it better with Oxy but it's still disabling. And my patience has run out. Best avoid me for a short while. I get snappy when I'm in that place.

In a moment of madness, I thought I'd join three senior lads at work for their breakfast meeting yesterday morning. I had been lent a car, which I drove into town at 7:30am. The combination of an unknown car, a manual gearbox, my Oxycodoned head and general shakiness, led to a driving experience so harrowing that when I got to the other end, I handed over the keys to my mate and said "I should not be on the road". It was insane.

Still, I sat with the guys and listened to them talk business whilst I tried to remain comfortable and contribute something, it was obvious I was in no fit state for anywhere but home. I got back into bed and slept until 4:30pm. I tried. I tried.

Back to today. The energy returns and I'm getting excited but the pain is doing it's best to keep me shut-in. Oh, and the 'nap' that I HAVE to take. Around 15:00, my body gives up. It has to nap. Really, really annoying.

I hate the nights. The sleeping bit. The trippy dreams, the sweaty bits, the night terrors (found myself shouting last night), waking every hour on the hour, wandering in the kitchen at 4 for milk. Hate the whole thing. The small bit of good news, is that in the early morning, I now have a regular comfortable poo with no screaming or blood.

A nice poo cannot be overstated. It is an almost religious event when it's been such an effort for so long. You don't want to read about poo, but cancer and cancer drugs brings poo to the forefront. So good poo news should be celebrated.

Enough now.

I wake up early now. Around 6. Come into the kitchen and read iPad Times, which sends me back to sleep annoyingly. I bloody hate sleeping. I hate lying on my side. I hate that foetal position. I hate napping.

But the hate means I am coming back to life - these are good signs. By the weekend I should be up and about full time. Able to go out and have an almost full day, to routine of others. I will get to work next week. I so want to - I'll have one week before they make me do all this again and I'll be back to the 8 foot room for weeks.

Please God, give me a good week where I can work a bit and make some music at my workstation without The Pain kicking in.

I feel like it's close.


Simon said...

Well hurrah for good poos then.

Anonymous said...

Your comments on the poo's made me smile - my mum was the same when she was on chemo, she became obsessed with 'I've been moved' as she called it.
so yep - hurrah for 'poos' or I've been moved' by either name - all good stuff :-) Lesley x