HYN

Welcome to another decade then. 2010. A very futuristic sounding year. But, where are the flying cars we were promised? Rubbish.

Needless to say it was a very quiet one for me. Home alone with a few DVD's for company. I watched the fireworks on the telly – just so I could laugh at the idiots who stood in the cold for five hours to watch six minutes of entertainment. Next year guys, stay at home, take some mushrooms and enjoy the vastly more impressive firework display on your insides of your eyelids.

Right, I've some moaning to do.

I think I left you on a 'good day', which was perhaps obviously, followed by a bad night. My body has taken its new itching phase to a new level and it was driving me bananas. I called my hospital Key Worker yesterday who said unless there was a rash, it wasn't anything to worry about, apart from the discomfort. That's easy for you to say, I said, I've got through three cheese graters already today.

Yesterday, a friend bought me round some antihistamines which seem to be helping and these now sit amongst the plethora of pharmaceuticals piled up on the floor in living room, like a strange collection of Christmas presents given by parents with Munchausen syndrome.

The nights continue to be a big challenge. I never sleep for more than an hour. I wake in various states. Hot. Cold. Sweating. Shaking. Need drugs. Need toilet. Need water. The dreams are just one big continuous trippy dialogue of commentary about my sleep and by the time I wake up – I'm exhausted.

I got a rather nice half-price ("was £110!") double electric blanket yesterday from Argos. My mate gave me a lift to pick it up. It's very good, as it helps keep the bed warm and dry from all my sweating, which makes the nights better. It's now airing my bed and mattress for me, so hopefully it won't collapse into a pile of damp rotting sponge in the coming months.

Overall, the days are better, although time is sliding past too quick. It's already 14:00 and I'm still here, in my 'lounge wear' having achieved a quick tidy up and a shower today. Thankfully, inbetween the snoozing I've been kept sane by a few things in the last 48 hours

• Das Boot – DVD - finally got around the seeing the 3.5 hour WWII submarine epic last night. Watched with subtitles as it was originally made. Great.
  
• Breaking Bad – DVD – series 1 of a US 'boxset'. Dark comedy drama about a chemistry teacher with Lung Cancer who decides to make crystal meth to make money. Funny, dark and bound to be a cult success. By the way, this was my dad's recommend. Cancer and speed. It's nice to know you're thinking about me.
  
• Worms – PS3 Game – the old classic PC game, available for £6.29 on PSN. Brilliant. Doesn't require ninja reactions and isn't too hectic.
  
• Hustle Kings – PS3 Game – another cheap PSN download. Great game (if you like Pool). Again, chilled. No computer controlled characters shouting at you to 'get down!', whilst bombs fly overhead. Peaceful.
  
• 'My Shit Life So Far' – Frankie Boyle's book – easy to read and a hate filled insult every paragraph. Excellent.
  

There you go then. Not a huge amount to report. As usual I'm grateful to all those that have been around, called, txt'ed or emailed. I guess the next challenge will be 'work'. I'm hoping to get a good few hours in each day from the 4^th to the 7^th. We shall see.

Oh yeah, happy new year then guys ... I don't think I'll be writing again until I go back to work, as I can't see things changing very much now, so until then ... enjoy yourselves.

S.S.x

not moaning

... and just to show that I don't just do moaning, some happier news.

Today was a 'good' day. Yes, I itch. A lot. But the day was good because I feel a bit more human and a couple of good friends came over and made me forget myself.

Being more interested in Playstation than my boring illness, they hung out all day and it was almost like the Saturdays of yore.

I got taken to pick up a 'script and treated myself to a new Hoover in the process, which they then 'built'. I also bought 'The Hurt Locker' on blu-ray, which we have just sat through (brilliant, tense, 'iraq bomb disposal' movie - highly recommend). We ordered two unhealthy pizzas and my appetite is clearly OK again.

They've just left - and I've noticed that I've got the energy to want to download a new PS3 game and play - something I haven't thought about all Christmas period.

In fact, if I could just stop this insane itching feeling, I would put this down to a very good day. Fingers crossed this is the start of a easier ride until my next treatment on 7th Jan.

Just so you know, I don't moan all the time.

Please be aware, however, that my entire mood now rests on Manchester United beating Hull this evening.

a drag

Some of you know that I used to write a blog about my journey through recovery from alcoholism - the first few years of AA. I used to pour out a shedload of emotions and thoughts, as my 'new life' emerged from my old.

Blogging seemed easier then, as when I was inspired I could jump to my keyboard and let the inspiration flow forth. Or the utter drivel, depending of your viewpoint.

The problem I have with this blog, is that I've discovered that cancer - on the whole - is rarely inspirational. It does not drive me to write huge reams of heartfelt emotion and witty banter. It is, frankly, a drag.

Everything is a drag. Hard work. Taking a shower required planning, going to the shops required stamina building, going to bed brings on dread, eating is a considered task. And writing a blog, really is a total fucking drag.

However, as I fall upon my sword for my fellow reader, an update.


28/12/2009
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I'm not sure where you left me - and it's too much of a drag to go back and check - but I did manage to venture out into the world on the 28th, in the evening. I had pre-booked tickets to see Avatar in 3D, at the iMax in London ("The UK's Biggest Screen!") and had been praying all along that I would be able to make this experience.

We took the train and although I was sick on the way up, I did manage to eat some M&S salad and get to the cinema, clutching a small carrier bag - just in case. I was worried that the reported feelings of nausea that some people had from watching the film in 3D, may have mixed with my general feelings of nausea and had me projectile vomiting over seat 21, row N, but despite feeling a bit rough for the first hour, I'm pleased to report that it settled down.

This is not a film review site - but Avatar blew me away. However, if you want to see it, you must see it in 3D and if you can, book ahead at the iMax and wait. It is stunning. A real work of art and a fantastic 'archetypal' fairy tale to book. Don't expect 'The Usual Suspects' in terms of plot but behold a new era in film making. A "Star Wars" of our time.

By the time I got home I was exhausted, cold/hot (more later) and tearful. A burst of emotion and to bed. I'm so glad I made it and want to thank my good friend for putting up with my 2mph walking and general patheticness.

29/12/2009
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Yesterday, saw my same tireless friend pick me up from home at 9:30am and get my to the hospital for a 'quick' check-up. We were there 2 hours at least. Some blood was taken, to see how I was getting on with my first dose of chemo and the results were, well, I dunno really ... I was told my white blood cell count was low but holding up but would probably crash really soon, that I wouldn't be able to maintain my body temperature and if I go above 38 degrees to go to A&E. Always with the happy happy, these nurses.

She gave me a prescription for yet more drugs, which couple with the script I had yet to cash in from the other day, cost £36 when I presented them at Sainsbury’s pharmacy some time later. Apparently the NHS is giving free 'scripts to all Cancer patients now (since April '09), but I need an exempt letter from my GP. I can claim back with the receipt. This is a dull story I know, but someone may find it useful to know in the future.

My life-saving friend, helped me shop for good things to eat and got me home, where I had to tackle the student squat that was my flat. I had a guest at 16:00 and somehow had to tidy up.

Like I said, cancer is a drag. And it makes everything a drag. Washing up is a drag. Cleaning is a drag. No energy. No desire. Yet, needs must and slowly, with lots of rest breaks, I tidied 70% of the flat. The other 30% now contains all the mess that that was previously distributed evenly throughout the other 70%.

My guest came and went - a real testimony to the kindness of relative strangers and also a chance for me to reflect on someone else’s pain for a while. Perhaps more on that one day.

That left me with a strange evening. My body has been itching a lot for the last few days, but it was now reaching unbearable heights. On top on this, I could not get warm. I was under a duvet with heaters full on, just shivering inside, feeling odd. .

My temperature had risen to 38.5 and I didn't feel great. I took some paracetomol (lowers temperature) and waited ... this seemed to help and before long I was burning up, too hot and itching so much that I wanted to take off two layers of skin. I finally managed to sleep, still itching my face, my skull and my hands in my sleep ... dreaming of itching.

Not for the first time, in my dreamstate, I was overwhelmed by that feeling of 'is this worth it?' - a recurrent theme I've had since Christmas Day. A feeling of desperation when faced with months and month of side effects, sickness and hospitals

A day at a time, I have to remind myself.

30/12/09
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Cancer is a fucking drag. If it's not one thing, it's another. The nausea has all but gone, my energy levels are a bit better. But I itch all over from head to foot. Probably a reaction to one of my drugs I am taking - at the last count, I was taking 9 - or perhaps a delayed reaction to one of the chemo drugs.

I have a tattoo on my arm that says Drug Free.

It is a lie.