Friday, 12 November 2010

the hardest part of this, is leaving you

Dear, dear readers.

What can I say? Take a seat, please.

For I have the news that no-one here wanted to here.

It's the end of the battle, the end of the war and I'm sorry to say I am defeated and all hope is lost.

I have been given "a few months" to live.

There is no more treatments to offer, no more 'we could tries'. It is, at last, over.

I have been moved from the bedlam that is Watford General, to the peace of the Watford Peace Hospice, where I shall be staying for a week or so. It's a beautiful place, with lovely 'rooms' (no wards), all with en-suit and even wi-fi. It's a great place - the relaxation and facilities of a nice hotel, with the 24/7 on-call medical team at the touch of a button.

I'm going to leave you now, in some cases with a hundred questions you want answered, but for now, that is all.

I am not really taking calls or answering emails or txts ... it's just too much at the moment. My head is somewhat spinning and I am tired. A few days here, of proper rest, some talking-therapy and some adjustment time and I know I will be much more at ease with what is happening.

It's been about 24 hours since I found out and it feels like 7 days.

I'm going to leave you with a song. It's a song I've always liked, from a band I've always liked. It says just about everything I need to say right now.

When all is said and done, the hardest part of all of this, is leaving you.


Anonymous said...

I wish you much strength, to face this next step.
Sam from Sussex.

Thomas B. said...

It may be not much of a consolation right now, but should you indeed pass away it seems that death is quite the contrary of what you've been going through the last years. Those who were very close to death yet far enough to tell us what it was like, say it is nothing like being in horrible pain - like you've been whilst dealing with cancer - and that in fact it is very much the opposite. A sense of peace, release, warmth and generally pleasantness. In fact my father has been there himself, he said the feeling could only be understood telling to a man that it feels like an orgasm, but instead of the very short moment that it last in life, it's everlasting.

I wish you the best of luck Spencer, your music and legendary wit shall outlive the majority of us all ;-) Take care!

Anonymous said...

peace and strength.

Anonymous said...

I've been feeling incredibly bummed in the last few days since reading this post. I was reluctant to even type that last sentence, because it seemed incredibly selfish to presume to mention my own woes. But then I realized I probably represent a lot of people who are genuinely hurting for you, yet staying quiet out of the pure shock of it all, and that you might appreciate knowing that fact.
I would like to hear the song too, but the player doesn't seem to be working on my PC. If you gave the title/band I can look it up and listen.

Anonymous said...

My Chemical Romance - Cancer

Anonymous said...

Sending you peace, love and strength. You are a beautiful soul.

Anonymous said...

For those of us fortunate enough to know and work with you, you will be with us forever. You apply yourself 110% in everything you do and deserved to be the winner against this God awful disease. Spencer, you truly are a legend and inspiration to us all.

Anonymous said...

You're in my thoughts Spencer. I have really admired the openess and bravery that has been so evident throughout all of your posts. I'll never forget your friendship and your cheeky sense of humour during the year that we worked together, and I always look back at photos of you and smile. I think that I probably echo the thoughts of many other people when I say that you'll never really leave us.

I hope that you're finding the peace that you deserve after so much fighting. xx

Anonymous said...

Hope your road is calm and peaceful
Surrounded by the people and things you love
Sending you strength and energy for the journey
Four years ago you were a light for me, in a very dark place.
Hoping that same light will guide you home.

Lesley x x x x