Monday, 18 January 2010

cabin fever

Saturday 16th - lots of nausea, sick twice
Sunday 17th - aching, slept for most of day and night, sweats, no energy, mouth 'metallic' taste, nausea not as strong
Monday 18th - lethargy, general aching/pain, tingling in fingers/mouth, mild nausea

OK, well, that's the side-effects for all of you 'how are you feeling?' fans, but the overriding feelings that I have at the moment is one of uselessness at my current situation and one of hopelessness when I look to the near future. The thought of riding the chemo-coaster every two weeks, for the next 8 months, is playing on my mind heavy.

Time becomes distorted when I'm trapped home-alone. The nights are long and full of sweats and strange dreams, whilst the days are filled with box-sets and mind-rot TV. Whatever 'novelty' there was in this initially, has worn thin already. 

Self-pity is a useless and selfish emotion, but all the same, I've found myself wallowing at times. I'm missing little things, like running, going to the gym, jumping into the car and zooming off somewhere - day to day stuff that you take for granted until it's gone. My body yearns to go swimming and play tennis ... even though I haven't played tennis since I was 11 and I swim like a brick.

For an example of my own patheticness, today's 'to do' list was to a) wash-up and b) go to the local shops to get some milk and some tinned peaches. (for some reason I had a craving for tinned peaches). If I could achieve both of these things, then I felt that the day was not wasted. 

And 'Yes', I have managed to achieve both of these milestones, but each one was a gargantuan effort, requiring some solid sofa-recovery time each side. 

I try to counter the negative with positive. I realise I am lucky in many ways. My cancer is treatable and being treated, I live in area of the world with expert (and free!) care, I am not dying (well, that I know of), I have plenty of people around me, I am 'young' etc. There are a hundred reasons to be grateful.

I am particularly grateful that I have a supportive employer (and colleagues) that enable me to do some work from home - it could be a lot worse, I could be a self-employed taxi driver or a hod-carrier ... and realistically, that it shouldn't be long before I'm at least able to get into the office for a few hours a day to see some faces and life and feel like I'm contributing. It's just these sick-days are pretty long ... 

I am already dreaming of a holiday somewhere - some sun, some sea, some diving ... I realise that I have a minor mountain to climb before I make this happen, but it's a happy thought to cling to.


lisijay said...

Hi Spencer, you may not remember me - Lisa, Johns daughter. Your nan told me about your blog and I thought I would look in on you. I will be following your progress and wish you all the best. Take care - Lisa

Jen said...

love you love you love you!!

The Kemo Kid said...

Hey Lisa - of course I remember you. I remember you trying to teach me Monopoly and many other things.

You can get me on spencer dot steel at gmail dot com.

Hope you read this !