Tuesday, 26 January 2010

The C-Plan Diet

Wanna lose weight fast?
Can't motivate yourself to go to the gym?
Want to eat whatever you want and still lose weight?

Now you can lose the weight you want, eat all the foods you love without all those boring gym sessions with my guaranteed C-Plan weight loss program.

That's right, simply contract Hodgkins Lymphoma and you too can sit on the sofa for 8 hours a day, stuffing your lazy-ass face with chocolate and melted cheese sandwiches, whilst the weight simply drops off.

Afternoon. I went to the gym today. For the first time since November. I don't actually know what the plan was, but it was to do 'something' in an attempt to feel some sort of sparkle running through my body. I miss those endorphins.

I used the time as a chance to catch up with my personal trainer, who helped me through my '08 London Marathon, got me into boxercise and is a great guy to talk about love, life and the universe with. I miss our little sessions together.

Before we met today, I weighed myself on the gym scales. I am normally around the 78 kilograms mark, which is about 12.3 stone (for the record, I am six foot, medium build). Today I was 74 kilograms, which is just over 11.5 stone. In a nutshell, I've lost nearly a stone by sitting on my sofa and eating junk food.

My Lymphoma Manual has a section on diet and suggests eating *when* you want (rather than at mealtimes), adding cheese to everything, choosing full-fat products, drinking lard smoothies and chewing bacon rind between meals ... in fact, The Manual suggests doing everything that our Beloved Nanny State Government suggest we don't. It's fundementally a diet that Jeremy Kyle viewers would die for. Literally.

The exercise session was pathetic. 5 mins on a cross-trainer, 10 mins walking up a 12 degree gradient, 15 mins on a bike. I was shattered.

Still, it was something.

Then something very nice happened. The manager of the gym cancelled my membership. Not in a 'I've told you about setting up streaming webcams in the girls showers before, now get the hell out of here!' kind of way, but in a 'just come in when you can mate, it's free from now on' kind of way. One more success story for The Cancer Card.

As I walked back from the gym I felt a bit tearful. The realisation that my body is so fucked that it's going to be a long time before I can pound out a 10k run at lunchtime, or take a slower 10 mile jog at the weekend hit home. I was also touched by the free gym that I now have access too, when my pathetic body will allow it. People are quite nice really, you just gotta get a life-threatening illness to see it.

In a related subject, the creators of my music software (FL Studio), Image Line, sent me their new virtual synth product completely free, as they know about my illness. That is a $80 product.

I think I'm going to make a list of things that I want and start playing The Cancer Card whereever I go. I wonder if I can get sponsorship. I should write to Nike. "Just Do It ... But Don't Worry If You're Not Up To It Mate, Just Do What You Can"

Thursday looms. Chemo session 3 beckons like a school headmaster at the end of the summer break. I guess I better pack my PE kit.

And so that will be all for today. But remember, if you work for a company that makes cool stuff, send me free shit before I die. It'll make you feel better about yourself.

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Hmmm. Your 'poor' effort at the gym is me at the peak of my fitness. The shame. x