home again

Evening.

Saturday evening at home, in front of the ol' widescreen TV in HD, with a couple of snacks and an odd feeling of 'what the hell is it I do again?'

So ... how I am. Well, not bad at all. Sleeping was hard last night, as my brain started to wake up again. When you're in hospital, you are in a position where you have no choices to make, therefore things like sleep seem to come more naturally, as there are no plans to make, nothing to be projecting towards.

However, at home, the ol' brain starts to awaken to the possibilities of the weekend. Music, iPads, food shopping, washing, washing up ... oh and that distant memory of 'work' ... all the things that you don't have to worry about caged in a 8 foot room, being fed, watered and drugged.

This morning my good friend came to pick me to take me into town to upgrade my iPad (I realised I needed the largest model available when I was in hospital and fair-play to John Lewis stores for bending the rules - once I'd played the cancer-card!).

The initial 'getting there' was a bit hairy. My blood pressure was verging on the worryingly low. Just walking to the car was a bit of a 'oh dear, how is this going to go...', as my light-headedness made me want to get vertical as soon as possible.

However, we made it to the shops and with some Lucazade and some very slow walking, I blagged my iPad upgrade and went on for coffee and chats. The small things.

The Oxy drugs make dealing with people tricky - my intolerance towards others is very high. I've noticed I'm (even more) short-tempered and I find myself laughing at myself as I catch myself wanting to rip people's heads off for daring to walk across my path. How bloody dare you, you're ruining my opiated buzz. Yet, ironically, it was the being amongst the great unwashed that made me feel alive again. People, I love you dearly, but I just feel I should be allowed to dismantle your internal organs for not realising I'm trying to walk around your sodding shopping-overloaded pushchair.

The pain has returned in my side. I was confused by this at first but realised that it is a familiar pattern - what is happening is that my steroids have stopped. I remember after my R-Chop treatment, once the steroids wore off, I had incredible pain - thankfully, I have Oxycodon to help - and a big help it is.

It's odd being on noticable 'downer' drugs - especially for someone that's 'clean and sober' but hell, if there's a member of NA or AA out there who would like a word, I'm all fucking ears. I advise you bring protective clothing and weapons.

So, I'm home, slightly dopey, slightly confused and slighty adjusting ... but a couple of days and ... hmmmm ... let's see ...

Good to be back.