fed up (again)

I'm fed up.

I mean, overall, things are kinda OK. But I'm fed up with it all now. Fed up with chemo, cancer, pain, stomach problems, whinging, blogs, feeling tired, being optimistic, being unfit, being bald, talking about it, pills, people talking about it and everything that comes with this tedious illness.

The week before last I was in a hideous mood. The pain in my gut had become a daily grind. The pain nurse has put me on a mild opiate (Tramadol) to mix with codeine, paracetamol and diclofenac as I see fit. Sometimes it feels like putting a sticking plaster on an axe wound but overall, I guess it's been better. But last week, I was ripping peoples heads off as they tried to converse with me. The only description that I could come up with was it was like someone talking to you about their summer holidays whilst someone had parked a car on your foot. Still, I managed to crawl through the working week without too much downtime and it was followed by a wedding which was a good day out and cheered me up.

This last week has been a mixed bag - some very good, busy days but some very, very painful moments. On Tuesday, I made the mistake of going to the cinema to see 'Inception', which was two and half hours of utter bollocks, not helped by the fact my eyes were watering with stomach cramps/pain. Thankfully on Thursday I was taken to see 'Shrink', at an amazing retro cinema called 'The Rex' in Berkhamsted, which has been renovated in the style of a 50's cinema. I can't recommend this place enough. The film restored my faith in Hollywood too.

However, I woke on Friday (yesterday), went to work for about 2 hours and had to leave. I had no energy at all, I was falling asleep at my desk. I went home, fell asleep in about 5 minutes and slept until 8pm. I woke, still feeling tired, went back to bed about 11:30pm and slept for 11 hours. Today I have yet to get out of my bedclothes and I don't think I will. I'm not sure what is going on, perhaps I've overcooked it, forgetting that my energy levels are still limited or ... oh, I don't know. But it's bloody annoying.

The good news is that I have a totally new thing to moan about. The tips of my fingers have gone numb. I was warned about this at the start of chemo, but it's only just started to happen. The ends feel tingly and numb - apparently this is semi-permanent and may return to normal in 5 or so years. Not to worry, I only really use the tips of my fingers for a couple of things - typing on a computer keyboard or playing the musical keyboard. *sigh*

So as you can tell from the complete lack of effort with my blog and this rambling mess, that I am fed up. I am probably one of the few people in England that is enjoying the downpours of rain outside the window this weekend. Sky Sports is showing some football, returning feelings of the end of summer and I have the 'shut the world out' feeling where I wish it was dark outside. On weekends like this, you don't want the sun to make you feel guilty about your downtime.

Saying that, I'm off out tomorrow for what could be a great day. Thanks to a great friend at work, I've got a pair of excellent seats for Manchester United vs Chelsea at Wembley Stadium - The Charity Shield. This should hopefully shake me out of my funk and be a good day out ... providing my insides don't play up too much. And United win.

So, on one hand, life is good ... there is lots to social stuff going on, I'm working more, I'm 'up and about' but on the other hand, there is the hour-by-hour volatile pain levels to deal with and odd days where I just crash out. And now, numb fingers. I guess I shouldn't expect miracles.

Chemo is on Thursday - it's come around quickly. It could be the last one for a while. I am not sure how well I will deal with the news that I have to have more. I'm tired of it. I'm fed up with it. I need a break from it.

We shall see.