rough week, rough day

I can't actually be bothered to write this blog, but there is news, so I may as well tell it. For the point of a blog is to tell news. It's my commitment to you. Be grateful.

The last chemo session - 3b - was horrible, as per usual. Lots more of lots more of the same. Especially vomit. Lots of vomit.

The main difference came when I would normally be coming out the other side and returning to work - the 'chemo sickness' feeling left around Tuesday as per usual, but my body continued to be very weak. So much so that despite hauling my skinny ass to work on Wednesday for a tokenistic appearance, I couldn't get the same skinny ass back to work on Thursday. I just felt very weak, even going for a short walk would leave me breathless ...

Christ, this is pathetic.You get the idea. Moan. Moan. Moan.

The actual 'news' is this - I've just returned from a double-visit-day at the hospital. First up was to tidy up my PICC line and snip down the length as it's slowly been coming out ... then it was back in the afternoon for my second CT spleen scan. You may remember that I had a CT scan way back at the start in December and if you haven't seen it, the image is on this blog here

I'm going to write more about this situation later on - but without giving too much away, I've seen the CT scan results, I've actually already got the CD with the images on (I've got good contacts!) and although I await my Consultants opinion next Wednesday, it's fair to say that we are not looking at a miracle here.

In fact, the size difference is pretty negligible - to these untrained eyes anyhow ... it's still a monster and I know this, as it's in my bloody body - I feel like someone has tucked a balloon stuffed full of Paxo under my left hand ribs. I haven't slept on my left hand side since November. So, the images have only confirmed what I already knew - it's changed - but it's we are probably talking about a 3-5% change here. Worth the last 4 months of shite? You can answer that.

So, if you are of the betting persuasion, then I suggest placing a large amount of money on the word 'spenectomy' being used in upcoming blogs.

So that's why I am so grumpy tonight then? No, actually. I can live with that. Or without that, as it will probably be. The reason I'm so grumpy this Friday night is because of my ridiculous anticipatory nausea issue. Somehow my mental mind and body decided that the aniseed flavoured water than I had to drink before the CT scan (about a litre, over the course of an hour, so things show up on the scan) must have been chemo related - and so now I'm back on my chemo couch, on a Friday night, feeling bloody nauseous again for no reason. I wouldn't mind, but I've had this exact procedure and drink before with no side effects, so I know it's another phantom sickness. I was looking forward to a night off - feeling a bit better - making some music, relaxing and now I know that the only way out of this feeling is to go to bed ...

Some days I want to just say OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK LORD.

Today is one of those days. So stop reading now if you are easily offende ...

.. ah.