But have had the worse day of my life. In a world of pain. But alive.
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Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Sunday, 9 May 2010
going under
This is the last blog you'll get from until I'm out the other side of my operation.
It's Sunday evening and I'm not in a very good mood. No, it's not football results related but for the last few weeks I've just been feeling more lethargic and useless every day. My whole weekend can be summed up by three words:- sleeping, sweating, TV.
I am sweating so much at night that it is insane. I'm drenching my bed, my pillows, my clothes. My temperature shoots up and down and I'm absolutely sick to death of waking up freezing cold in a pool of sweat. It's foul. It stinks and night after night, it just gets you down. I've tried everything - two different beds, different sheets - it's all the same - the moment I fall asleep, the outpouring begins.
So I've slowly turned into a shut-in, hardly leaving the flat. I was dragged out for a meal last night out of duty to meet my friends girlfriend, but it was all I could do to be out and awake for the 4 hours it took.
I'm having to take painkillers - codeine and paracetamol - every 4 hours just to keep things level. This obviously doesn't help my mood or energy levels at all. I don't know if it's now an addiction or what. I frankly, don't care any more because ...
... on Tuesday morning, I'm going into hospital to have this damn horrible spleen removed. I cannot wait. It feels so big and angry now ... I think it's 'depressing' my whole system. It needs to go.
So, that's it - a final moan from me before the Big Op. I don't know much of the details of the operation but it goes something like this ...
It's Sunday evening and I'm not in a very good mood. No, it's not football results related but for the last few weeks I've just been feeling more lethargic and useless every day. My whole weekend can be summed up by three words:- sleeping, sweating, TV.
I am sweating so much at night that it is insane. I'm drenching my bed, my pillows, my clothes. My temperature shoots up and down and I'm absolutely sick to death of waking up freezing cold in a pool of sweat. It's foul. It stinks and night after night, it just gets you down. I've tried everything - two different beds, different sheets - it's all the same - the moment I fall asleep, the outpouring begins.
So I've slowly turned into a shut-in, hardly leaving the flat. I was dragged out for a meal last night out of duty to meet my friends girlfriend, but it was all I could do to be out and awake for the 4 hours it took.
I'm having to take painkillers - codeine and paracetamol - every 4 hours just to keep things level. This obviously doesn't help my mood or energy levels at all. I don't know if it's now an addiction or what. I frankly, don't care any more because ...
... on Tuesday morning, I'm going into hospital to have this damn horrible spleen removed. I cannot wait. It feels so big and angry now ... I think it's 'depressing' my whole system. It needs to go.
So, that's it - a final moan from me before the Big Op. I don't know much of the details of the operation but it goes something like this ...
- I go to the hospital at 7am on Tuesday morning (11/05/10)
- I don't know what time it will start
- The actual operation will probably last about 5 hours - I am being cut from the top the chest to the belly button
- I will be in 'intensive care' for about 2 days
- I will then be in some other ward for about 5 days
- I think it will then take another couple of weeks to return to full health
- Chemo will then start again
I hope that answers most of your questions - to be honest, I don't really ask that many myself so I don't know too much. I'll just turn up and see what happens. As long as there's morphine-on-demand, everything will be just fine.
Rest assured the moment I'm able, I'll ping a little blog update from my Blackberry phone to say that I'm still alive.
See you on the other side, some 6lbs lighter.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Mean Spleen and the Bank Holidays
Another great band name for you there.
How are you all then? Good?
Ah, that's nice.
Well, if you're here then you clearly want to hear some more middle-of-the-road whinging. I shall not disappoint.
My memory is a bit hazy, but I do remember feeling awful last Wednesday. Spleen pain and no energy. Thankfully, I got something back for Thursday night and managed to drive down to Worthing (British coastal town, international readers), to stay with The Best Friend, his lovely wife and his beautiful 1 year old daughter.
Friday was spent pottering. We all pottered to the beach, where the temperature managed to break into double-figures-celsius and the wind managed to stay just below an official 'gale force' grading. However, prepared for The Great British Bank Holiday weather, I layered-up and the very fresh air and the always glorious sight of the British sea, made my potter totally enjoyable.
The Best Friend likes food. Not in a Crisps'n'Coke'n'Pizza kind of way, but in a nuts and berries and natural yoghurt and home made bread and juice and muesli and that's just for bloody breakfast kind of way. He makes two dinners every day - he calls them lunch and dinner, but he is misguided - both are clearly dinners. Dinners full of healthy vegetables and other things that I dimly remember from a distance past. To sum up, I was well fed.
Maybe my body responded well to my new nutrients, but on Saturday I managed to get in, what the MacMillian cancer charity posters would call, 'a good day'. The weather, like my body, gave me a break and I was able to catch up with an old friend in Brighton, who gave me a lot of exercise walking around the shops and the pier. A good day indeed, rounded off by delicious sea-side Fish'n'Chips when I got back home. I am of a certain age and condition, where Fish'n'Chips make a perfect Saturday night.
Then I had, what the MacMillian cancer posters would call, 'a fucking shit day'. The night was filled with lots of pain and when the hazy in-and-out of sleep cleared up, I was left with two things - a spleen that was fluttering, spasming and causing all sort of turmoil and a nerve pain that shot into my upper shoulder.
I discovered that the best position to be in, was to prostrate myself, knees tucked under my chest - arse proudly in the air, face into ground - the knees take the pressure off the spleen and almost push it back into place.
I didn't leave the house on this day, but The Best Friend and family looked after me and with the help of constant painkillers and a week's worth of food in a day, I was as comfortable as I could be.
Monday am and the spleen was still aggravating me. Although I had intended to stay another day, it was obvious I needed to be home, closer to my hospital should anything horrendous happen.
Nothing horrendous did happen - just constant spleen pain. Painkillers are taken every 4 hours. The nerve pain comes and goes, sleep is tricky, walking is less than elegant.
So to today, Tuesday - back to the hospital this morning for another PICC line clean-up, then a lot of hanging around. I waited for a doctor to be examined, who told me what I know already. The spleen is very big, it's probably getting bigger and stretching the bag in which it lives in, causing me the shoulder nerve pain. And he prescribed - codeine and laxatives - which has pretty much been my staple diet over the last few weeks anyhow, although not as strong as these. I came back from the hospital to the office, was sick in the toilets and went home.
The bottom line is this: I'm going to be in pain until the operation, on May 11th. Unless the spleen explodes or causes me so much pain that I'm screaming down A&E, then I've got a week of The Mean Spleen, codeine and laxatives.
I guess this is just the way it is until the op ... I naively thought that perhaps I would be full of the joys of spring now the chemo had stopped, but the reality is, I'm still carrying around a large bag of cancerous offal in my stomach, which is never too conducive to a 'good day', I guess.
That was probably quite a dull blog by all accounts. I've not feeling overly creative - it's the painkillers I think - they just put a 'Meh' on everything.
On the plus-side, you've got about a week to wait until things start getting interesting again.
-----------------------------------
Thanks to The Best Friend, The Best Friend's Wife and The Best Friends Mum, for looking after me and giving me more nursing and attention than their one year old daughter required. Long may the vision of me curled up into a ball with my arse in the air live long in your household.
How are you all then? Good?
Ah, that's nice.
Well, if you're here then you clearly want to hear some more middle-of-the-road whinging. I shall not disappoint.
My memory is a bit hazy, but I do remember feeling awful last Wednesday. Spleen pain and no energy. Thankfully, I got something back for Thursday night and managed to drive down to Worthing (British coastal town, international readers), to stay with The Best Friend, his lovely wife and his beautiful 1 year old daughter.
The Best Friend likes food. Not in a Crisps'n'Coke'n'Pizza kind of way, but in a nuts and berries and natural yoghurt and home made bread and juice and muesli and that's just for bloody breakfast kind of way. He makes two dinners every day - he calls them lunch and dinner, but he is misguided - both are clearly dinners. Dinners full of healthy vegetables and other things that I dimly remember from a distance past. To sum up, I was well fed.
Maybe my body responded well to my new nutrients, but on Saturday I managed to get in, what the MacMillian cancer charity posters would call, 'a good day'. The weather, like my body, gave me a break and I was able to catch up with an old friend in Brighton, who gave me a lot of exercise walking around the shops and the pier. A good day indeed, rounded off by delicious sea-side Fish'n'Chips when I got back home. I am of a certain age and condition, where Fish'n'Chips make a perfect Saturday night.
Then I had, what the MacMillian cancer posters would call, 'a fucking shit day'. The night was filled with lots of pain and when the hazy in-and-out of sleep cleared up, I was left with two things - a spleen that was fluttering, spasming and causing all sort of turmoil and a nerve pain that shot into my upper shoulder.
I discovered that the best position to be in, was to prostrate myself, knees tucked under my chest - arse proudly in the air, face into ground - the knees take the pressure off the spleen and almost push it back into place.
I didn't leave the house on this day, but The Best Friend and family looked after me and with the help of constant painkillers and a week's worth of food in a day, I was as comfortable as I could be.
Monday am and the spleen was still aggravating me. Although I had intended to stay another day, it was obvious I needed to be home, closer to my hospital should anything horrendous happen.
Nothing horrendous did happen - just constant spleen pain. Painkillers are taken every 4 hours. The nerve pain comes and goes, sleep is tricky, walking is less than elegant.
So to today, Tuesday - back to the hospital this morning for another PICC line clean-up, then a lot of hanging around. I waited for a doctor to be examined, who told me what I know already. The spleen is very big, it's probably getting bigger and stretching the bag in which it lives in, causing me the shoulder nerve pain. And he prescribed - codeine and laxatives - which has pretty much been my staple diet over the last few weeks anyhow, although not as strong as these. I came back from the hospital to the office, was sick in the toilets and went home.
The bottom line is this: I'm going to be in pain until the operation, on May 11th. Unless the spleen explodes or causes me so much pain that I'm screaming down A&E, then I've got a week of The Mean Spleen, codeine and laxatives.
I guess this is just the way it is until the op ... I naively thought that perhaps I would be full of the joys of spring now the chemo had stopped, but the reality is, I'm still carrying around a large bag of cancerous offal in my stomach, which is never too conducive to a 'good day', I guess.
That was probably quite a dull blog by all accounts. I've not feeling overly creative - it's the painkillers I think - they just put a 'Meh' on everything.
On the plus-side, you've got about a week to wait until things start getting interesting again.
-----------------------------------
Thanks to The Best Friend, The Best Friend's Wife and The Best Friends Mum, for looking after me and giving me more nursing and attention than their one year old daughter required. Long may the vision of me curled up into a ball with my arse in the air live long in your household.
Monday, 26 April 2010
nice one, mum
38 years and 9 months ago, my dad came home drunk from the pub one night and flopped on top of my mum. About 3 minutes later, a determined sperm swam towards an egg, with a single purpose in it's short, wiggly life. A while after that, I appeared in all my glory, albeit in a slightly simpler form than I am today. Roughly 9 months after that forgetful evening, I was dragged, totally against my will, out into the world, whereupon I would take-out my general dissatisfaction of being woken from my state of unborness upon the world in a perpetual state of general irritation and grumpiness until such a time where I would be left alone again with the great oneness from where we truly are happy.
However, you can't undo the past and as much as I wish that my dad had just tossed one into the sink that night somedays, here I am in all my cancerous and sober glory, at the somewhat no-mans-land age of thirty bloody eight.
A few years ago, I made a tribute video to my mum and stuck it up on YouTube. It was quickly taken down again, as I used the music from a copywrited song (Jimmy Eat World, 'Here,You,Me', but I noticed recently it had magically reappeared, with the publishing company realising that they could make money by providing a link to 'buy the song' on all 'fan videos' - (from the full YouTube site).
A lot of my friends have seen it before, but my new readers wouldn't have.
Nice one mum ... thanks for the last 38 year of madness. I'll see you soon.
However, you can't undo the past and as much as I wish that my dad had just tossed one into the sink that night somedays, here I am in all my cancerous and sober glory, at the somewhat no-mans-land age of thirty bloody eight.
A few years ago, I made a tribute video to my mum and stuck it up on YouTube. It was quickly taken down again, as I used the music from a copywrited song (Jimmy Eat World, 'Here,You,Me', but I noticed recently it had magically reappeared, with the publishing company realising that they could make money by providing a link to 'buy the song' on all 'fan videos' - (from the full YouTube site).
A lot of my friends have seen it before, but my new readers wouldn't have.
Nice one mum ... thanks for the last 38 year of madness. I'll see you soon.
my inbox this morninig
Here are some extracts from my inbox this morning ...
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Petri.co.il forums by Daniel Petri would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at ABXZone Computer Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Crowdgather Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Forums on the BleedinEdge would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Future Producers would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at The Unofficial Access Virus & Virus TI Forum - since 2002 would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Rage3D Discussion Area would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
I'd like to thank all of the above forums for their individual and personally touching messages.
It means a lot to me.
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Petri.co.il forums by Daniel Petri would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at ABXZone Computer Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Crowdgather Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Forums on the BleedinEdge would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Future Producers would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at The Unofficial Access Virus & Virus TI Forum - since 2002 would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
Hello SpencerSteel,
We at Rage3D Discussion Area would like to wish you a happy birthday today!
----------
I'd like to thank all of the above forums for their individual and personally touching messages.
It means a lot to me.
Saturday, 24 April 2010
April 26th
Just a reminder that there's are only two more shopping days left until my birthday.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Wednesday, 21 April 2010
"When's the big day?"
".. oh, the 11th of May. It's all booked. The weather should be lovely at that time of year."
That's right folks, book it in your diary - May the 11th is the day where I am split in two and my beloved tumorous spleen is removed from me.
I'll be at Watford General and I'll be going in at the ungodly hour of 7am, most likely incredibly nervously, with many scenes from 'Six Feet Under' replaying in my head.
Tomorrow, I have to go to a pre-op meeting for 'up to four hours', which sounds very tedious. On Friday I have to have my injections at the GP and next Tuesday, although unrelated, I have to go to join a new dentist because I was kicked out of the last one for non-attendance, as a bloody tooth-filling has fallen out and I don't want to be in the position of recovering from the loss of a spleen with sodding toothache.
I hate dentists. I hate hospitals. I hate injections. I hate GPs. I hate big spleens. I hate chemo. I hate the Conservative and I hate Labour. And I really, really hate Chelsea.
I'm back at home today - I left work early because I'm in a lot of pain. The spleen is really hurting. Oddly, the pain also runs up in the left shoulder and throbs like a bastard. Not the greatest simile there, as I'm really not sure how much a bastard throbs, but I never claimed to be any good at this English malarkey.
I never thought this arm pain was related to my spleen but my Consultant asked me some time ago ... "do you get shoulder pain" - I couldn't believe it ... "Yes, I bloody do".
Apparently, There's some nerves up there that the spleen is connected to or *something*. In truth, I wasn't really paying attention. This is how I went through school. I just shut off after a minute or two after getting the gist. So in this case, I got the idea, the spleen is connected to my shoulder and this sodding arm pain, just give me the bloody painkillers and no, I don't care how they work either.
So lots of pain today ... I'm exploring new over-the-counter pain-killers without too much success. I'm back on the chemo couch, looking at the sun out the window to my right and the three day pile of washing up to my right.
I have no desire to sit in the sun or wash the dishes.
That is all.
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