Somehow I'd managed to convince myself that the news was going to be good. I'm not sure why, as I've been feeling so crap for the last few weeks, but oddly for someone as miserable as myself, I still thought that the news was going to be a whole lot better than it is.
"It's not good news", she said.
I knew I was fucked right there. My doctor is a very optimistic woman. Stupidly happy. Always looking on the bright side.
I put my head in my heads. "Go on then..."
The next 5 minutes or so were hazy. Thankfully my very good friend was there to make sense of the information and what I'm now going to do is wrap it up for you in layman's terms.
In a nutshell, the cancer has spread. If the chemo has destroyed, say, 2 blobs of cancer, then 5 more have popped up around my lymphatic system.
Consequently, all chemo is now stopping, (every cloud!) as it has failed - and there is only so much one person can take (as it will ultimately kill you).
A decision is being made by some very senior consultants at 'Mount Vernon Hospital' (UK leading Cancer Centre). I was told that they will come back with one of two possible outcomes, given my current state.
a) They will perform a one-off 'nuke' of my entire body - killing off all cells. Before they do this, they remove some stem-cells. After the nuke, they reintroduce the stem-cell and hope they pick up and your body heals. I have no idea what this procedure is called - or the detail. I will know more should this decision be taken.
b) The other viable decision that may be taken, is to, er ... do nothing. As in, "there's nothing more we can do. I'm sorry" *cue sad music*
I have no more real information than that ... it's now wait a few days to see what they come back with.
Sorry to depress you, my dear readers, by that is the nature of cancer sadly. Cancer is basically, very rubbish.
As you can imagine, I'm fielding a lot of questions and tears back here at work and on the ol' Blackberry. I'll happily give anyone a hug who feels like they need one.
I'll post more in the next few days.
Keep smiling x
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9 comments:
words inadequate, but so sorry. x
Rachel is right, there are no words. Peace to you. xoxo
It's hard - no impossible - to know what to say. 'Sorry'? ..'My heart goes out to you'? ...all feels like platitudes. But I do - quite tearfully - feel for you, I'm so sorry to hear the news is so negative, and my heart does genuinely go out to you.
Shit
Tears here too. Fuck. Now I get the J.E.W song. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx Love you Chicken xxx
Fingers crossed, please emphasize that you have a blog full of followers to take care of! Even posts about the most cruel days made me smile cause of the silly humour you manage to put in. Take care man, and good luck!
This sucks man. I've followed your music and stories on the IL forums, and this comes as a sobering blow.
You have positively affected the lives of so many people by sharing your life so openly with us all.
I sincerely hope and pray for your health - though it sounds pretty dire, if worse comes to worst I just want you to know (for what it's worth) - you are loved, even by people you have never met.
[[[[virtual hugs]]]]
Take care man. Whatever comes next.
Peace be with you.
Alex.
Can't say it better than Alex. You are touching lives. So don't stop. As you put it yourself "There's always hope." and don't you dare stop believing - or we'll be round to sort you out.
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