get knotted

A misery blog.

I haven't written one of these for a while.

I'm fed up.

I'm fed up because I'm in pain. And I'm very, very bored of being in pain.

The latest bout of pain comes from my 'guts' - I think it's the small intestine to be precise. It's not really a new thing - it's been on-going since my operation in one guise or other, but seems to getting worse, not better. The symptoms range from a sort of short, very sharp, indigestion 'squeeze' in the ol' tubes, to a feeling like a clamp has been placed around your insides, or someone is treading on them - which can last for about 45 mins. On top of these feelings, I get a referred pain in my shoulder - a nerve pain - exactly like I used to get when my spleen was growing. In fact, it's only the area where my spleen was that I'm getting all this pain - the other side is fine. To be honest, it's almost like I've got the same issue I had before - I can't stand up properly (hunching to protect the area), the pain is 'draining' me so I'm more tired and I can't sleep on one side. It's like the spleen never left me. Perhaps I just miss it and it's all a psychosomatic pain - like when people can feel their arm after it's been removed.

Anyway, as I was trying to describe the intensity of the pain at its worst to someone, I felt I nailed it when I said "if I was a 10 year year old kid, I would be screaming and crying". ie. it's pretty bad. It will stop me driving for a while, whilst I sit in car repeating the mantra 'fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck fuckofffuckofffuckofffuckoff fuckfuckfuck', whilst wearing down the leather on my steering wheel. The police have yet to be called.

The operation was a long time ago now. I haven't had a period of being able to painlessly eat and, er, poo since. I've had better times than others, but there has always been something 'up' and after this weekend's new found gear of pain, I'm officially fed-up.

I took some positive action though, I took a trip to the GP. I actually have an appointment to see the surgeon who performed the operation next week - in a kind of 'follow up' meeting, but I though I better see a GP to see if there was anything he suggested in the meantime.

The GP was great to be honest - he read my notes and listened and explained in a very clear way that it's quite possible that I have adhesions - and reading the Wiki's about them, this sounds right. They are, apparently, 'fibrous bands' that form after operations and can catch, hook and hinder the (in my case) bowel, intestines etc. Apparently women can suffer from these after a hysterectomy. The GP wrote a letter for my surgeon with his diagnosis.

So what can be done? Well, guess what. Yup, they can open you up and cut them. Which of course, means another operation, which could then mean ... you get the idea. My doctor said that the medical profession general turn people away a few times, hoping it will get better, then eventually when the pain is too much ... they operate.

All of this is conjecture at the moment really - I will have to wait until next week to speak to my surgeon. But I shall be letting him that I am, literally, not happy and that I am, in fact, very fucking fed-up.

In the meantime, I have been given some anti-spasm drugs that can stop the bowel et al from, well, spasming - I had these when I was in the AAU unit. More drugs. Lovely.

One of my favourite phrases at the moment seems to be "but if it wasn't for that, I'd feel fine" and this situation is a shining example. This is a non-chemo/cancer related incident and "if it wasn't for" the bloody pain in my guts/shoulder, then "i'd feel fine". To the point where if I had a proper functioning internal system, I would be down the gym, trying some light exercise and weights. The rest of me is in good form.

So that's the end of my latest misery blog. I'm fed up mostly because one of the few pleasures that a sober, drug-free, vegetarian, celibate, cancer battler has left on planet - eating - is being ruined by a dysfunctional internal system. Balls.

It would appear, I was born to suffer.

I will stay up on this cross for you a while longer yet.