The walk of the condemed man

Right-ho ...

The eve before Chemo session 2.

It does seem strange that I've got to go somewhere tomorrow that I will know is going to make me feel one hundred times worse than I do now ... but, then again, I've had to take a girlfriend to see Cats before, so it won't be the first time I've felt this sense of dread.

I'll get a train into work tomorrow and get a lift from someone to the hospital. My step-dad was intending to come up from Surrey, pick me up at the hospital and come and keep me company through the puking days, but it's looking unlikely as the roads are very dangerous right now. I turned on the BBC News today and it flashed up "BREAKING NEWS: SNOW HAS FUCKED EVERYTHING. KILL YOUR FAMILY AND YOURSELF. ALL IS LOST". We don't handle snow too well in these parts.

Speaking of the jolly BBC, I saw a semi-interesting report today about the (potential lack of) long-term aftercare for cancer 'survivors' (god, I hate that term with a passion - we may as well start referring to ourselves as 'tickley cough survivor'. I myself am a 'athletes foot survivor').

Although I tend to take these scare reports with the bucketful of salt they deserve, I will make a point of asking my consultant about these long term effects. The woman in the video (see link below, first embedded video) had 'non'-Hodkins Lymphoma and although in the clear for some time, she still has many long term effects. She still has persistent mouth ulcers, which is a worry - I have them already after one session - I'm not sure I want them all my life.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8429995.stm

Perhaps more worryingly, she also has very bad memory loss, claiming she has to write things down on Post-It notes to get anything done. However, the good news is that by taking a look at her, we can be assured that she hasn't forgotten where the fridge is yet. You take hope where you can find it.

My last few days of feeling 'OK' have been spent knuckling down to some hardcore Sony gaming ... I spent yet more money that I was saving for this rainy day on a new PSP Go, which means I can 'game' and watch movies whilst hanging around hospitals, trying to avoid eyecontact with the old people with bags of blood strapped to them.  I also got myself some older PS3 games in the sale - am currently enthralled in Fallout 3, a post-apocalyptic role playing game, where you trudge around a toxic wasteland, avoiding/killing local mutants whilst trying to complete quests ... think Christmas Shopping in Luton, but with the joy of being able to use a frag granade on the shopping-mall mutant scum.

I'm pretty grateful for my gaming toys, as I cannot watch TV for too long - I need to 'do' something. Interact. So it's gaming or sit around and wank all day - and since my sex drive has gone through the floor since the ol' every-growing spleen took over my body, the only other recreational pastime of all teenagers apart from wanking - gaming - has hit the number one spot again. Don't worry porn, i'll be back. Just you wait and see.

Oh, yes, I do realise that in the tradional sense I am no longer a teenger and should have evolved beyond these trivial matters by now, but as anyone who has dated me can testify to, I am emotionally stunted somewhere around 14. Hence, gaming and porn. So much easier than real life.

Another hobby of mine is creating electronic music. The kind of noise I should have stopped listening to when I was 20 (see above). I've started writing a 'cancer themed' tune (I'll leave you to ponder what on earth that might entail) ... it's sounding pretty Nine Inch Nails already and I'm chuffed but it's going to have to go on the backburner for a week or so. I'll post the MP3 up here when it's done. Maybe Macmillian will use if for their new ad campaign - lots of bald headed kids rockin' out to some underground beats. It could improve the whole 'negative vibe' this cancer thing seem to have hanging over it. It needs a makeover to be honest.

Right - that's me for now ... I'll probably post something in the next day or so, but to be honest I can tell you what it's going to say now

a) felt sick
b) was sick
c) slept badly
d) sweated a lot
e) got fucked off generally

Until next time, you sick, sick rubberneckers, you ...

S.S.

I've just remembered my nan reads this blog.